There are some small signs that I'm beginning to emerge from the "self-pity, anger & bewilderment party" I've been throwing for myself the last few weeks! I only got teary today once when I got out Ryan's baby pics to post one for his 19th bday tomorrow. I did have a few light bulb moments over the weekend, and I decided that I might ACTUALLY live thru this experience....who knew?
I did try to go back to church yesterday (I say this because I haven't been in 3 weeks since my world fell apart) and it turned out to be not such a good idea. The reason I haven't been is not because I am mad @ God or that I don't think I need him to help me thru this difficult period....it's because I've become more or less a hermit the past few weeks on purpose. If I don't see anyone I know then they won't ask me about what's going on & they won't ask me when he leaves or how long he'll be gone, etc. because I really & truly cannot talk about this yet.....I just can't, okay?? So even though I sat in the back so I could make a get away in quick fashion after the benediction, as fate would have it, i got stopped by a well-intentioned friend who made a comment that was in no way meant to upset me.....and, folks that was all she wrote! Before i knew it, I had popped off at her, made a caddy comment in return & I made it to my car just as the tears came again. So much for doing the right thing on Sunday morning I guess! : ( I can't hideout forever, I can't dodge going places where I may have to talk to someone I know simply because my child has made a life decision that saddens me so greatly. Maybe this will get easier? I can only hope!
On a lighter note, I've made a pact with myself not to "start up" with the kid anymore - we've not had cross words since last Friday (it's a record in the last month I tell ya!) He knows how I feel, He knows I am not for this....so i guess there is really no sense in beating a dead horse, right? He takes his ASVAB tomorrow in LR @ the AF base (yes on his 19th bday, puleeze??) Wednesday he has his two required "entry physicals" also @ the base. I keep praying they will kick him to the side because he has "flat feet" or something...but my daddy said they don't really do that "flat feet" thing anymore! LOL And Thursday morning they will present him with his "contract" and he will "sign his life away" as I've grown fond of referring to it as of late!
This week is such a mixture of happiness with his bday being tomorrow & all the fond memories I have of the day he was born.....and then sadness over what follows the following two days. I will be glad when this week is over because he will be home Friday for Spring Break & we will take him out for dinner to celebrate. I am already planning on how I will try to make it thru the entire meal without a meltdown & having to excuse myself! It really does put a damper on things when I stay in the bathroom most of the meal! LOL -
I wanna tell you about my "light bulb moments" over the weekend on my next post...i think you'll be impressed at my new-found ability to reason thru the "muck" of this whole situation....really! LOL
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