Today was the day ....by days' end my child will be a marine reservist. It is so ironic to me that 19 years today we were bringing him home from the hospital & our biggest concern was that we didn't have his car seat properly buckled....and today he is signing military papers! There is something that is just not right about that!
Today was also the day that it was time to let everyone (who didn’t already know what’s been going on in our little corner of the world) onto the "secret." Ryan spent the night in LR last night & started physicals & paper work processing @ 4:30am this morning. I wonder how ironic it was that i woke up promptly @ 4:27?? Did I go back to sleep?? Are you kidding me?? LOL
So after today, it’s a done deal I guess....I think maybe I've come to sort of an understanding (for today anyway) between my brain & my heart....although this is NOT the path I dreamed of for my first-born, this is, obviously what he's going to do with me or without me. I can continue to say mean things to him out of anger over what he's putting me through & in an attempt of thinking if I say enough "bad things" about his choice he will change his mind....OR I can try to come to some sort of terms w/this place I've found myself in...this place that no mother should ever have to find herself. Animosity, you say??? What was your first inkling?? LOL
So here goes: DON'T get me wrong - I am still not "for" this Military thing....and this is definitely the saddest, hardest, most un-pleasant thing I've ever tried to wrap my noggin around...he is absolutely set on doing it & that is not going to change (I've accepted that part now! He will be home tomorrow for Spring Break to spend the week....If things continue on along this same vicious path, it will be a MISERABLE wasted week for all involved! Do I want to throw away the time we DO have together & waste more time being at odds just to try to force my point of view on him needlessly?? Or do i want to make the very most of that week & any other upcoming/remaining time I have left w/him before he leaves for Basic training in June?? The choice is up to me. What if (God forbid!) something happens to him (or even me) while we are still at odds w/one another? I could never forgive myself knowing that despite 19 wonderful years, it came to an end while there was such resentment & anger between us! Life is entirely too short to take such huge chances with those that we love! If i choose to continue to resent this decision & lash out @ him - eventually I will alienate him & he will never want to come home again...I cannot let that happen to us after the close relationship we've always had! So - even though I still do NOT want this to happen & obviously wish this was not the path he'd chosen - we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one I think.
While I am willing to make a concession (or two) I need him to understand the reasons why this has affected me so deeply. First: Our concern for his safety & well-being & secondly: My extreme sadness over the length of time he will be away from us & the "not knowing" during periods where communication is not a possibility. I know, I know - it's all a part of that whole "roots & wings" that folks frequently speak of....it's that "wings" part that is currently unfolding...this is all "new waters" for me, and thus far - i pretty much suck at it! LOL
You see, the "roots" part was a piece of cake & will forever be warm & fuzzy in my mind because it is filled w/all those special memories from his childhood....but this "wings" thing??? It is REALLY eatin' my lunch right now! LOL
*Till next time blog friends - Happy St. Patty's Day!
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